fast but slow

lately my mind has been racing through thoughts and a lot of confusion about what i want and what im willing to apply. I feel as if i can assure myself that things will change but then im always stuck in the same situation no matter how good or bad my day was. There is a lot to be thankful for. My crazy, loving, confusing, irrational parents. This old house on this merky ol river that brings me good times and a summer job, my supportive, understanding, yet somehow unreliable friends, and this feeling of faith in God everytime im about to give up on it. I dont know weather faith is a coping mechanism that is designed to keep us in line and from going insane when shit hits the fan or weather all this complexity is ment for something. Its hard to believe that all this could be predeturmined or created for us. And where did the dinos fit into all of this? haha! Paranormal activity what about that? Just like religion people SWARE it to be true. Government, scam or blessing? We will never REALLY know what its like to be a president so why the fuck u hating on them? No matter who it is your gunna put a bumper sticker on ur damn car bashing them. Abortion? Who gives a flying fuck. People with lives and families die every fuckin day and its not like the entire world would bennifit from having another person around. OH YEAH and imagine if all those babies were not aborted, or all the men and people who have died in past wars didnt die, how many more people would be populating the earth. Same goes for the Plague. Is disease the planets immune system trying to get rid of the human desease that is spreading and populating it and ruining its ozone layers and making it cook and all of the other animals are just shit outta luck because all these bitches gotta be sprayin their hair spray and shit. Yes I am one of those bitches. MY BAD. But whats it gunna matter if i stop? The world will not benifet one fucking bit.


Damn I just went the fuck off haha... DONT SEND ME TO JAIL <3

I have been on MAC MILLERS dick lately, i want him and i want him to rap to me Ive been diggin on this shit too lately

"Ima keep on doin me because you dont even matter"

Lately a lot of crazzzzzyyy ass shit has been happening, financially, family, relationships, friends, UPS AND DOWNS.

I think im just numb.

I cant see a time in my life without problems with money or being able to trust everyone im close with, have a husband who loves me, a stable home, and an adventurous lifestyle.

I talk about my big dreams, i just doubt myself big time, yet again there are times where i know i will make it.

Sometimes i wonder if people can tell im insecure. Im starting to realize that i act certain ways in different situations without being able to control it. I guess I can just be rather uncomfortable in my own skin sometimes. Yet people tell me that i am so smart and beautiful and confident. I have a hard time seeing it sometimes when its just me. I guess Im ashamed of myself for some of the things i have done.

Im always so antsy to be constantly doing something. Im getting better at being alone and concentrating on myself yet for some reason its a bigger priority to find someone to chill with or somewhere to go and blow my money when i should be working out, doing artwork, saving my money, getting organized, straightening out my loans and financial aid.

Im going to start making to do lists every day again so i can use my time wisely.. Im young and if i get up early and get a good nights rest, eat right, exercise, i should have more energy to get things done.

These are my ramblings for the time being. Time to finnish my chapter and go to bed!